I guess this is just the way it’s supposed to be. It seems that every so often people go through a questioning process. What am I meant to do? Am I on the right track? Have I made the right decision? I used to think that this process was reserved for high school and college students and recent graduates. I thought once you figured life out it was smooth sailing. If only things could be that simple.
Over the past couple months I have questioned my purpose. What am I doing? Am I making a difference? What do I want to do? As I’ve looked around, trying to grasp onto anything and call it a sign, I’ve noticed others doing the same thing. Should I go to grad school? Should I get a full time job? Should I continue freelancing?
I remember when a dear friend, who I fondly refer to as my second mother, got news that things would change for her and her husband professionally. I sat in the kitchen of this very spiritual and intuitive woman with my legs tucked under me as I sipped peppermint tea. I listened intently as she spoke of vocation, calling and purpose.
I realized at that moment things never get easier. Many of us are always searching. But in that realization came a very simple solution: let go. Go with it. Really, how much control do we have? Very little when you think about it. And why struggle? Sure, letting go can be a struggle for many of us, myself included. I’ve fought for so long for control. And now everything’s changing.
I feel like I’ve thrown my hands up in the air and said forget it, Universe. Take me where you want. Move me where you want. My head tells me to be terrified and yet there’s something calm about letting go.
There’s something scary about pushing yourself. But there’s something so boring and depressing about being complacent. There are many things in life I want and some of these random desires have latched on to my mind and they won’t let go. I have urges to paint and run. I want to learn how to do calligraphy. I want to be more disciplined in taking care of my body. I want to do yoga daily and go for refreshing walks. I want to make a difference.
I want to know I’m on the right track. But there’s no one there to tell you if you are. It’s a feeling. It’s faith. It’s just knowing when something feels right. It’s knowing when to let go and move on. It’s knowing when you’ve outgrown an educational experience, thanking those who took a chance on you and moving on to the next level. No one can make those decisions but you.
In my life I have encountered people who have tried to hold me back. Those people who told me I couldn’t do it and I shouldn’t try. I think part of them still live on in me, they’ve plagued me for years. But more recently, I’ve worked to surround myself with those people who will push me, who will challenge me and those who won’t let me give up.
It’s the difference between being a dreamer and doer. And in the end, when I look back, I don’t want to say I thought about things, I want to say I did them. Maybe that’s all it’s about. We all have undiscovered passions. I want to experience more and find out what I’m good at and even learn to enjoy the things I’m not so good at. Life is not about perfection, it’s about experience.
What do you want to do?